Therapeutic Spanking and Emotional Needs: A Husband's Essay
The excellent video, "The DWC Effectiveness Program", explains and demonstrates some aspects of the lifestyle advocated by The Disciplinary Wives Club. The club's web site, www.thedisciplinarywivesclub.com, fully explains the club's purpose, its philosophy and tips and methods for implementation. In addition, it contains many testimonials from real people who live the lifestyle. The general idea of the club, of course, is that wives can and should take a leadership role in their marriages, and should use very liberal doses of good "old fashioned" spanking to keep their husbands in line and to promote harmony between the two of them.
Erotic vs. Disciplinary Spankings
The teachings of DWC founder Aunt Kay have carefully nurtured many couples as they adopt the lifestyle for the betterment of their marriages. One of her principal contributions, in my view, has been to liberate couples from the model of "play" or erotic spanking. Generally, it is the husband who has initiated the DWC process by asking his wife for a genuine disciplinary spanking regime, and it is the wife who is at first reluctant to give it credence as a legitimate lifestyle choice.
Aunt Kay gives wives the license to use the hardwood, and other sturdy and serious implements, for genuine disciplinary purposes. Removing the husband's sexual fixations (and his critical analysis and attempts at direction) from the equation allows wives to express their own feelings without embarrassment and proceed with confidence.
Typically, it takes only a few strict sessions for the wife to become secure in her power and authority to settle disagreements with the hairbrush, strap or cane. For the husband, it takes only one good session to demonstrate the difference between play acting and real spanking.
Although Aunt Kay does not advocate brutality or abuse, a female correspondent at the DWC web site found no disagreement to the suggestion that wives "err on the side of severity." Aunt Kay wrote quite literally that "the harder you spank him, the more he will love you." Love is always present in great abundance in DWC marriages, as we shall see in the following sections of this essay.
"Purely Therapeutic" Spanking
Obviously, there can be stark differences between "play" or "erotic" spanking (with strong sexual arousal and pleasure overtones), and purely disciplinary spankings (pursuant to specific sets of rules and expectations, and with the goal of changing specific and previously defined undesirable behaviors). But the two are not completely dissimilar, and there are overlapping areas as I will describe below.
The simplest use of the disciplinary spanking is to treat the hubby literally like a child. He is informed of a rule, he breaks the rule, he gets spanked and firmly counseled about his mistake. Surely, there is nothing incorrect about this basic formula. But human interactions (and human feelings) are rarely so clear cut. Don't complex emotions lie right under the surface for both parties? The disciplinary spanking is usually a bit more complex than breaking a rule and paying the piper.
Purely erotic spanking activities are likewise a bit more complex than they might first appear. Even when one or both partners are sexually excited by the spanking, isn't there much more than a sexual thrill involved in the interaction? If we were to take away sexual arousal or release by one or both parties, would there be "nothing" left?
The DWC video encouraged use of the "tone up" spanking. The tone up spanking is similar, if not identical to what I will here call the Purely Therapeutic Spanking. I define this as one which "clears the air" without necessarily resulting from any particular, clearly defined offense by the husband. It shares traits with both erotic spanking and disciplinary spanking, and is perhaps a bridge between those two, if they were to be viewed as opposite ends of a linear continuum. Another way of visualizing the three types of spankings would be as somewhat overlapping circles, and that all three overlap in the "emotions" area. I will attempt to articulate this more thoroughly below.
Like all good spankings, the Therapeutic Spanking should hurt the husband's bottom enough to make him wish it would end sooner than it does. Like the disciplinary spanking, it is given at the sole discretion of the wife, and the husband has no power to negotiate or defer. Like the play spanking, it can have blatant sexual overtones (if the wife so chooses), or even be fully integrated into a sexual encounter. Her attitude can be stern, or not, and she can give it for a specific reason, or "just because".
Finally, and most important to an understanding of what can occur anytime a husband gets a serious licking, the Therapeutic Spanking is mostly about the emotional needs of the wife and the husband, rather than discipline or play.
Meeting Those Emotional Needs
My hypothesis is that the goal of a purely therapeutic spanking is to clear the air effectively, and this especially includes those times when the husband is in fact absolutely "innocent" of misbehavior. Let me elaborate.
Almost all of us, men at least, got into spanking through our erotic desires. Even a quite painful and unwanted spanking has erotic connotations to us, although perhaps not at the time it is occurring. I suspect the wife who spanks for discipline gets at least a little turned on, even when she's angry.
Related to the complications caused by the erotic overtones, but slightly different, are inherently intertwined emotional needs. Psychologists have articulated a theory of the "imago", the idealized but real world person that we love and choose as our mate. In our deep psyche, our life partner reminds us of the primary caregiver of our childhood. The theory goes as follows: by having sought out and married a person similar to that primary caregiver, we are trying to heal the emotional wounds of our childhood separation. These emotional wounds are a natural part of the process of growing up and becoming an adult, but we seek to heal them for many years thereafter. See Getting the Love You Need by Harville Hendrix.
Speaking as a husband, I believe that both play and disciplinary spankings can fulfill this emotional need, even when they hurt terribly and we do not want the pain.
I cannot speak for any of the women, but I have a belief about the emotional needs which giving a spanking meets within their deeper psyche. I think that deep within that same place in the female heart are two distinct and essential maternal instincts or yearnings, the twin desires to nurture and to punish. Giving her hubby a good hard spanking, perhaps when he doesn't even realize that he needs one, or why, can be as thoroughly maternal and loving as putting a sweater on a sweet little toddler.
The fantasy DWC wife for the sentimental husband (one with an emotional makeup exactly like mine, that is!) would always combine nurturing with her punishments. She would thoughtfully prepare two washcloths, a warm one and a cool one, at the same time as fetches her dreaded hairbrush. After exhausting her strong right arm applying a vigorous paddling his naughty bare bottom, she sweetly hums a soothing melody while tenderly ministering to his burning, scarlet hindquarters and snotty nose. Then, while he stands in the corner, sniffling and humble, she bakes a nice tray of chocolate chip cookies. Everything is OK again, just as nice as family life can get!
All fantasies aside, it is easy to observe that spouses feel a whole lot of love from each other following any spanking, and after a particularly harsh (for them) spanking, the effect is especially noticeable. It is not the physical act itself which automatically creates the loving atmosphere; it is the underlying emotional script. For example, she may spank him because he is depressed or pouty, although has not necessarily misbehaved. Getting this spanking--and he may need a serious one, just as when he has seriously misbehaved--will meet an emotional need for him, and he will love her afterwards for giving him the attention he needed.
On the other hand, it can be very therapeutic for the wife when she chooses to spank principally because she is feeling stressed up and needs to let off some steam. She may unconsciously pick an argument to set up her reason, or she may just announce her intent without ado. But when it's over, she will feel much better. In this case, she will love him for "being there" for her--"there" being OTK on demand, accepting a perhaps undeserved and perhaps vigorous blistering just because he loves her. Neither or these spankings involved breaking of a rule by the husband, but both were therapeutic to at least one party, and more likely than not to both parties.
An excellent example is Aunt Kay's twice-a-year birthday spanking ritual, where he gets spanked, quite hard according to Auntie, on both his birthday and hers. Hubby hasn't necessarily misbehaved at all, and probably not in a particular way in any event. Therefore a key purpose of the birthday spanking ritual must obviously be to re-affirm the complementary roles in the marriage. But another purpose, equally valid, is surely to meet those ever-present deeper emotional needs of both partners. Given with the force of a true disciplinary session, it may fulfill his emotional needs in a way that a play spanking, with a direct sexual connection, might not. And coming as an affirmation of her authority, and without being driven by specific misbehavior, it can touch both of their hearts right on the spot, in real time, in a way that a well-deserved disciplinary session might not, at least not until he has had a chance to reflect on his behavior.
An ideal use of the therapeutic spanking in a highly committed marriage is to settle a (perhaps minor, perhaps not) argument or spat between the spouses, of the sort which may have arisen as a result of a good-faith misunderstanding or poor communication rather than some deliberate or thoughtless misbehavior. A nice spanking can repair everyone's feelings without overanalyzing, and possibly re-triggering the problem . Family therapists believe that a forced apology is not a real apology, and the therapeutic spanking simply avoids the apology issue. Once she decides to settle the matter with a spanking, there is no longer a question or who was right or wrong in the underlying episode. A belated apology will not get him off the hook at that point, any more than an insincere apology would work to sooth her annoyance or hurt feelings at any point. A good hard spanking helps both parties get closure and feel loved again, so that marital harmony is restored. I would rather be spanked hard and forgiven than have my dear wife angry with me. A sound licking is a better palliative than a hollow apology. Haven't you husbands experienced this? And wouldn't you DWC wives prefer to resolve your marital problems this way?
Is There A Danger Of Overreaching or Mistreatment?
Some may fear that this power to spank at will, without limitation and even in anger, can make a marriage a totalitarian contract, where the husband is always the loser. This hypothesis requires an underlying assumption that the wife is lacking in character, and that therefore she will act unconscionably if it is within her power. On a macro level, this ignores the essential nature of woman, which is kind and nurturing. On the micro level, let's just remember that we love our wives, and we married to give them that love, not to judge them or criticize their integrity or motives.
A woman who can and will vigorously spank her husband in order to enforce her will is more likely than not an inherently an "in-charge" person, one who had already claimed the dominant role in the marital relationship. The use of spankings therefore is simply a manifestation of the pre-existing respective roles of the spouses, not a definer of those roles. The spankings become the vehicle by which both parties cope with her domineering nature and are able to coexist in harmony. As such, spanking is their safety valve, a glorious solution rather than a problem. The danger of overreaching or having too much power is therefore illusory; she had the power already.
Hairbrush Happiness: Therapeutic Spanking as the Ultimate And Therapeutic Pas-De Deux Of Marital Relations
A truly intimate husband puts his trust in his wife in many ways, not just when he bares himself to receive her righteous wrath. He has given her the key to his soul and his psyche, and he can share his every fear and secret with her. He may fear her paddle, but he has a secure knowledge that he has been accepted for precisely who he is, and that she loves him. It takes a trust stronger than fear to obediently respond to, "Lower your boxer shorts and turn around, young man", particularly when he knows only too well what will happen during the thirty minutes which follows.
Thus utilized as the loving couple's safety valve, spanking is the true therapeutic balm for the strife of married life's large and small challenges. In that sense, the familiar therapeutic spanking surpasses both the erotic and the disciplinary: it becomes a central sacred ritual of their marital union. It is literally the adhesive in the permanent bond to each other, built on trust and nurtured by a deep understanding of each others' needs.
The (Not-So-Secret) Secret Ingredient: Genuine Commitment
The sine qua non of the emotional satisfaction which flows from a therapeutic spanking is of course the genuine commitment between the wife and the husband, the "being there" factor. No visit to a professional domme or casual spanking encounter could meet a man's deeper emotional needs like a heartfelt (and bottom-felt) session given by the woman he adores. When your strict and loving maternal wonder exercises her prerogative (and duty) to roll up her sleeve to deal with some unfinished family business, she does so with the higher purpose of improving your relationship. You, yourself, may be angry at her at that moment, and usually will not want to be spanked. But you have made a commitment, so, like it or not as it is happening, you will bare your backside and your soul. You will sacrifice some dignity and, alas, you will likely sit with regret afterwards as a part of your penance.
But you will be rewarded handsomely. You will find forgiveness, and you will know that you are loved. You will lose this or that minor argument, but you will have won the true prize: the heart of your Queen. You and she are happy to be together, and you two have a relationship which works exquisitely well to resolve the tensions of everyday life, and to meet both of your deep emotional needs. What could be more therapeutic than that?